The Courage to be Disliked by Fumitake Koga

The Courage to be Disliked is the Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to free yourself from the shackles of past experiences and others’ expectations to achieve real happiness.

The Courage to be Disliked by Fumitake Koga

Psychology that is based on Alfred Adler views.

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Why People Can Change

We do not think about past "causes" but rather present "goals"

Etiology is the study of causation, and teleology the study of purpose of a phenomenon, rather than its cause.

Trauma Does Not Exist

They definitely denied trauma in Alder psychology.

The Freudian view is that a person's psychic wounds cause his or her present unhappiness

Alders view is in the denial of trauma argument, "No experience is a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our own experiences, the so-called trauma, but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining."

People Fabricate Anger

For example, shouting, the goal of shouting came before anything else. By shouting you wanted to make the "server" submit to you and listen to what you had to say. To do that, you fabricated the emotion of anger.

Anger is a means to achieve a goal.

How to Live Without Being Controlled By Past

One should always take the people can change premise

Freudian etiology that denies our free will and treats humans like machines

Socrates and Adler

The first step to change is knowing.

Convey thoughts through dialogue and you will change

Are You Okay Just As You Are

Alder "The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes with that equipment."

You want to be someone else because you are utterly focused on what you were born with. Instead, you've got to focus on what you can make of your equipment.

Unhappiness Is Something You Choose for Yourself

"No one deserves evil. It's a proposition known as a Socratic Paradox.

At some stage in your life, you chose to be unhappy. Not because you were born into unhappy circumstances or ended up in an unhappy situation. It's that you judged being unhappy to be good for you.

People Always Choose Not to Change

In Adlerian psychology, we describe personality and disposition with the word lifestyle. Lifestyle is the tendencies of thought and action in life.

This happens are 10 years of age and is you who chose this kind of self.

Adlerian psychology is one of courage. If you lack courage, one might say you are lacking the courage to be happy.

Your Life is Decided Here and Now

The world is a simple place, and that complicated because of "me" and my subjective view is making it that way. Life seems complicated because "I" make it that way, which makes it difficult to live happily. One must not search for causes in one's past and should deny trauma. People act to achieve a goal or other instead of being creatures who are driven by causes in their past.

People can change, and people are always selecting their own lifestyle. So "we" are unable to change because we decide not to change. We don't have enough courage to be happy and that's why we are unhappy.

Alders teleology tells us "no matter what has occurred in our life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on. That you living in the here and now are the one who determines your own life.

Why Do You Dislike Yourself

First accept "myself now" and regardless of outcome have the courage to step forward - called encouragement.

All Problems are Interpersonal Problems

If all interpersonal relationships were gone from this world, which is to say if one were alone in the universe and all other people were gone, all manner of problems would disappear.

Feeling of Inferiority Are Subjective Assumptions

Feeling of inferiority has to do with one value judgment of oneself.

It's the feeling that tone has no words, or that one is worth only so much.

The feeling of inferiority we're suffering from are subjective interpretations rather than objective facts.

We cannot alter objective facts. But we can alter subjective interpretations as much as one likes.

An Inferiority Complex Is an Excuse

Alder called this the "pursuit of superiority"

Simply hoping to improve or pursuing an ideal state.

Complex refers to an abnormal mental state made up of a complicated group of emotions and ideas and has nothing to do with the feeling of inferiority.

Alder says "the feeling of inferiority can be a trigger for striving and growth.

Braggarts Have Feeling of Inferiority

No one can put up with feeling of inferiority for a long period. Feelings of inferiority are something that everyone has, but staying in that condition is too heavy to endure forever.

The condition of having a feeling of inferiority is a condition of feeling some sort of lack in oneself in the present situation.

Compensate through striving and growth.

However, people who aren't equipped with that courage end up stepping into an inferiority complex. "superiority complex".

It isn't the "I" is actually superior or special. It is only that one is making the "I" look superior by linking it to authority. In short, it's a fabricated feeling of superiority.

As Alder shows, "The one who boasts does so only out of a feeling of inferiority."

If one really has confidence in oneself, one doesn't feel the need to boast.

Alder himself pointed out "In our culture weakness can be quite strong and powerful." "In fact, if we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be, the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated." The baby rules over adults with his weakness. And it is because of that weakness that no one can control him.

Life is Not a Competition

A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one's comparison with one's ideal self.

Human beings are all equal but not the same.

You're the Only One Worrying about Your Appearance

Being conscious of competition, victory and defeat, its inevitable that feelings of inferiority will arise. Because one is constantly comparing oneself to others and thinking, i beat that person or I lost to that person. The inferiority complex and superiority complex are extensions of that.

Before you know it, you see every person, everyone in the whole world, as your enemy.

From Power Struggle to Revenge

Personal anger (personal grudge) and indignation regarding society's contradictions and injustices (righteous indignation). Personal anger soon cools. Righteous indignation lasts for a long time. Anger as an expression of a personal grudge is nothing but a tool for making others submit to you.

When one is challenged to a power struggle, one must never allow oneself to be taken in?

Admitting Fault Is Not Defeat

Anger is a tool for achieving a goal.

Anger is a form of communication, and that communication is nevertheless possible without using anger

To say "I am right" and the other party is wrong, at that point the focus on discussion shifts from "the rightness of the assertions" to "the state of the interpersonal relationship". In other words, the conviction that "I am right" leads to the assumption that "this person is wrong" and finally it becomes a contest and you are thinking, I have to win. It's a power struggle through and through.

Overcoming the Tasks That Face You In Life

In Adlerian psychology, clear objectives are laid out for human behaviour and psychology.

Two objectives for behaviour:

  • to be self reliant
  • to live in harmony

Two objectives that support these behaviours are the consciousness that I have the ability, and the consciousness that people are my comrades.

During childhood we are protected by our parents and can live without needing to work. But eventually the time comes when one has to be self-reliant.

Alder made 3 categories of interpersonal relationships that arise out of these processes. He referred to them as "tasks of work, tasks of friendship and tasks of love" and all together as "life tasks".

The ones who get tripped up in the interpersonal relationships at this stage are the people referred to as NEETs "a young person not in education, employment or training" or shut-ins (a person confined to indoors).

Red String and Rigid Chains

Task of love. Two stages: one, love relationships; and two, relationships with family, in particular parent-child relationships.

Alder does not accept restricting one's partner. If the person seems to be happy, one can frankly celebrate that condition. That is love.

When one can think, Whenever I am with this person, I can behave freely, one can really feel love?

Don't Fall for the "Live-Lie"

Alder called the state of coming up with all manner of pretexts in order to avoid the life tasks the "life-lie".

Alder never discusses the life tasks or life lies in terms of and evil. It is not morals or good and evil that should be discussing, but the issue of courage.

From the Psychology of Possession to the Psychology of Practice

Adlerian psychology is not a "psychology of possession, but a psychology of use". Is a "psychology of courage, and at the same time a psychology of use".

Deny the Desire for Recognition

Adlerian denies the need to seek recognition from others.

Do Not live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others

If you are not living to satisfy other people's expectations, it follows that other people are not living to satisfy your expectations.

How to Separate Tasks

All interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people's tasks, or having one's own tasks intruded on.

Simple way to tell whose task it is. Think who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about the choice that is made.

Discard Other Peoples Tasks

Learn from the boundary of "From here on, that is not my task." And discard other people's tasks. That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler.

How to Rid Yourself of Interpersonal Relationship Problems

You haven't done the separation of tasks yet.

First one should ask, whose task is this? Then do the separation of tasks. Calmly delineate up to what point one's own tasks go, and from what point they become another personas tasks. And do not intervene in others tasks, or allow even a single person to intervene in one's own tasks.

Cut the Gordian Knot

Such intricate knots - the bonds in our interpersonal relationships - are not to be unraveled by conventional methods but must be severed by ones completely new approach.

Alder says "children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges."

In Adlerian psychology, there are aspects that are antithetical to normal social thinking. It denies etiology, denies trauma, and adopts teleology. It treats people as interpersonal relationship problems. And not the seeking or recognition and the separation of tasks, too, are probably antithetical to normal social thinking.

What Real Freedom Is

"freedom is being disliked by other people,"

The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.

You Hold the Cards to Interpersonal Relationships

When speaking of interpersonal relationships, it's always two-person relationships and one's relationship to a large group that comes to mind, but first it is oneself. When one is tied to the desire for recognition, the interpersonal relationship cards will always stay in the hands of other people?

Individual Psychology and Holism

Adler was opposed to any kind of dualistic value system that treated the mind as separate from the body - reason as separate from emotion, or the conscious mind separate from the unconscious mind.

"I as whole, as an indivisible being that cannot be broken down into parts, is referred to as ,"holism".

Don't think of separation of tasks as something that is meant to keep other people away, instead, see it as a way of thinking with which to unravel the threads of the complex entanglement of one's interpersonal relations.

The Goal of Interpersonal Relationships is a Feeling of Community

The goal of interpersonal relationships is "community feeling".

We should have the desire to share without comrades, to contribute to the community. This sense of others as comrades, this awareness of having one's own refuge, is called community feeling.

community - inclusive of literally everything - the entire universe from the past to the future.

Community feeling is also referred to as "social interest" that is to say "interest in society".

To gain an understanding of what Alder speaks of, it is advisable to use you and I as the starting point.

You make the switch from attachment to self (self interest) to concern for others (social interest).

Why Am I Only Interested In Myself

a way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others is a self-centered lifestyle in which one's sole concern is I.

That is precisely why it is necessary to make the switch from "attachment to self" to "concern for others".

You Are Not the Center of the World

People who hold the belief that they are the center of the world always end up losing their comrades before long.

However, a sense of belonging is something that one can attain only by making an active commitment to the community of one's own accord and not simply by being here.

One needs to think not, what will this person give me, but what can I give this person? That is commitment to the community.

Listen to the Voice of a Larger Community

A gateway of interpersonal relationships we've go the separation of discussant as the goal, there community feeling. Community feeling is having a sense of others as comrades and an awareness of having one's own refuge within the community.

If it is one that can break down just because you raise an objection, then it is not the sort of relationship you need to get into in the first place. It is fine to just let it go. Living in fear of one's relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people.

Do not cling to the small community right in front of you. There will always be more "you and I" and more "everyone" and larger communities that exist.

Do Not Rebuke or Praise

First, separate the tasks. I think of my tasks as being up to this point, and everything beyond that is other people's tasks. I don't intervene in other people's tasks and I draw a line so that others won't intervene in mine.

"Horizontal Relationships,"

One is the method of raising by rebuke, and the other is the method of raising by praise.

Physical punishment is out of the question. One must not praise, and one must not rebuke.

In the act of praise, there is the aspect of it being "the passing of judgement by a person of ability on a person without ability."

Unconsciously creating a hierarchical relationship and seeing the child as beneath her.

When one praises another, the goal is to manipulate someone who has less ability than you. It is not done out of gratitude or respect.

Adlerian psychology is highly critical of reward and punishment education is that its intention is to manipulate children. Adlerian further refutes many vertical relationships and propers that all interrelationships be horizontal relationships.

In the first place, the feeling of inferiority is an awareness that arises within a vertical relationship. If one can build horizontal relationships that are qua but not the same for all people, there will no longer be any room for an inferiority complex to emerge.

The Encouragement Approach

Instead of commanding from above that the child must study, one acts on him in such a way that he can gain the confidence to take care of his own studies and face his tasks on his own.

One neither praises nor rebukes. This kind of assistance which is based on horizontal relationships is referred to in Adlerian psychology as "encouragement".

This tells us that the issue here is not one of ability but simply that one has lost the courage to face one's asks. And if that is the case, the thing to do before anything is to recover that lost courage.

The more one is praised by another person, the more one form the belief that one has no ability.

How to Feel You Have Value

The most important thing is to not judge other people. "Judgement" is a word that comes out of vertical relationships. If one is building horizontal relationships, there will be words of more straightforward gratitude and respect and joy.

In Adlerian psychology a great deal of emphasis is given to contribution

In Adler's view "its only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage."

It is when one is able to feel "I am beneficial to the community" that one can have a true sense of one's worth.

It is above having concern for others, building horizontal relationships, and taking the approach of encouragement. All these things connect to the deep life awareness of " I am of use to someone" and in turn, to your courage to live.

Exist In the Present

If you consider things on the level of being, we are of use to others and have worth just b being here.

Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: "you should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not".

People Cannot Make Proper Use of Self

One has to choose one or the other -vertical relationships or horizontal relationships.

Not Self-Affirmation - Self-Acceptance

These 3 things are needed at this point

  1. Self-acceptance
  2. confidence in others
  3. contribution to others

Self Affirmation is making suggestions to oneself, such as I can do it, or I am strong even when something is simply beyond one's ability.

Self acceptance, on the other hand, if one cannot do something, one is simply accepting "one's incapable self as is moving forward so that one can do whatever one can.

Accept what is irreplaceable. Accept this to me just as is. And have the courage to change what one can change. That is self-acceptance.

We do not lack ability. We just lack courage. It all comes down to courage.

The Difference Between Trust and Confidence

The basis of interpersonal relations is founded not on trust but on confidence.

It is doing without any set of conditions whatsoever when believing in others. Even if one does not have sufficient objective grounds for trusting someone, one believes. One believes unconditionally, without concerning oneself with such things as security.

Separation of tasks returns life to an astonishingly simple form.

The Essence of Work Is a Contribution to the Common Good

To feel it's okay to be here, one has to see other as comrades. And to see others as comrades, one needs both self-acceptance and confidence in others.

Third key concept - contribution to others. Is to act in some way, on one's comrades. To attempt t contribute. That is "contribution to others".

Confidence in others: to place unconditional confidence at the base of one's interpersonal relations rather than seeding doubt.

Young People Walk ahead of Adults

Two objectives for behaviour: to be self reliant and to live in harmony with society. The two objectives for psychology that support these behaviours: the consciousness that I have, the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades.

The objective of life is community feeling.

Workaholism is a Life-Lie

A way of living that only acknowledges company work is one that is lacking harmony in life.

You Can Be Happy Now

Adler came up with an extremely simple answer to address this reality. Namely, the feeling of "I am beneficial to the community" or " I am of use to someone" is the only thing that can give one true awareness that one has worth.

Happiness is the feeling of contribution.

Two Paths Travelled by Those Wanting to Be "Special Beings"

Pursuit of superiority - it's a term that indicates hoping to improve and pursuing an ideal state.

Pursuit of easy superiority.

The Courage to Be Normal

Self-acceptance is the first step.

Life is a Series of Moments

What is your image of life? Do not treat it as a line. It is a series of moments called now.

Live Like Your Dancing

Life is a series of moments, which one lives as if one were dancing, right now, around and around each passing instant.

The kind of life that you speak of which tries to reach a destination may be termed a "kinetic (dynamic) life". By contrast, the kind of dancing life I am talking about could be called an energeial) actual-active-state) life.

Energeia, on the other hand, is kind a kind of movement in which what is "now forming" is what "has been formed".

Shine a Light On the Here and Now

lifestyle is about here and now, and is something that one can change of one's own volition.

The Greatest Life Lie

Life is always simple, not something that one needs to get too serious about. If one is living each moment earnestly there is no need to get too serious.

The greatest life lie of all is to not live here and now.

Give Meaning to Seemingly Meaningless Life

Adler having stated that Life is general has no meaning, then continues, whatever meaning of life has must be assigned to it by the individual.

It is an expansive ideal that says, as long as we do not lose sight of this compass and keep moving in this direction, there if happiness.

It is a contribution to others.

It is the result of having danced the moments - that is the only way to explain it. When you have danced here and now in the earnest and to the full, that is when the meaning of your life will become clear to you.

If I change, the world will change. This means that the world can be changed by only me and no one else will change it for me.

This was Ichiro Kishimi's Adora Shinrigaku Nyumon (Introduction to Adlerian Psychology).